Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Fjelstad Margalis

Author:Fjelstad, Margalis [Fjelstad, Margalis]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers
Published: 2013-02-07T00:00:00+00:00

KEEP AT IT, AND THINGS WILL START TO CHANGE

Setting out to challenge the BP/NP’s rules and roles can seem daunting, but if you truly want to stop being a Caretaker and make your life better, it is up to you to make these changes. It may be smart to try out your new behaviors with non-BP/NP friends or family members first to observe the results. Practice until you feel you can stand firm in the midst of the BP/NP’s hurt, anger, and fear. When the BP/NP can’t get you to participate in the old rules and interactions, he or she can get pretty upset, at least for a while. If you think of the BP/NP’s reaction more like that of a two-year-old having a temper tantrum, it may be easier for you to stick to your changes. And like most temper tantrums, they will pass, as Kevin found out.

Kevin had been in therapy for several years before he decided that he was ready to let go of his overfunctioning, caretaking behaviors with his BP wife, Natalie. He finally decided that he was not going to let her fears about social situations keep him isolated. He realized that he had let his friendships dissolve from inattention, and he and Natalie had no couple friends at all. So Kevin told his wife that he was going to be spending Friday evenings after work with some of the guys from work, and he was going to attend social events at their children’s school whether she went or not.

Natalie responded by accusing him of having an affair, of wanting to leave her, of being ashamed of her, of hating her, and so on. She also decided to fly home to Missouri to visit her sister. In the past, Kevin would have tried to defend himself, reassured her that he was faithful and that he loved her, and then he would have finally gotten angry and given up. He would have called her several times in Missouri to see how she was and to try to mend the breach. However, this time, Kevin was clear on what he wanted, and he had learned a lot about not doing the same old responses that had in the past resulted in no progress.

This time Kevin simply said, “I understand that you don’t like social events very much, but I do like them. I like spending time with friends, and I have decided I am going to do that. I hope it will help you feel better to visit your family in Missouri.” Natalie was gone for three weeks. Kevin did not call. He decided to follow through with his decision to be more social and went to several events during those three weeks. After a week, Natalie began calling every day. Kevin still did not initiate any calls, but he told her that he missed her and hoped she was having a good time. When Natalie arrived home, she made no mention of Kevin’s meeting with friends and going to social events without her.

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